Sweltering Celt

Cars are evil. So are trucks. Vehicular modes of transportation SUCK.

Having said that, I really miss my truck and I really hate the fact that Ranger’s vehicle is also suddenly and violently ill. Now we’re completely screwed, both with vehicles and money. Joy of joys.

I’ve had my truck for right around thirteen years. I love my truck. I am never getting rid of my truck. I have yet to have sex on the hood of my truck or in the bed. I also have never had sex in the cab, although I’ve done plenty of other things there.

Yes, I miss my truck. Cross your fingers for me that tomorrow is a good day for Ang and the part that’s coming does the trick.

We, as a quad, have been doing very well, but there are speed bumps along the way in any relationship. Right now, we’re climbing one whole set of speed bumps, all at the same time, and it’s a little frustrating to me because I feel like it’s all my fault. It won’t matter how many times I’m “reassured” that the issues at hand aren’t my fault. I still feel like they are.

I’m really hoping that the four of us playing together tonight gives us a chance to connect as a foursome, to be together as a whole rather than two separate parts. I don’t know how to reassure Tootles that I am not here to replace her. I feel bad that Doc and I love each other as much as we do, but it’s not something we have ever been able to, or will ever be able to control. I never want to replace Tootles. That’s not what I’m here for. What I do want is to be her complement, a secondary, a supplement. I don’t just want to love her husband, I want to help her, to be there when she isn’t able to, to help relieve her burdens. We all have needs that our primary partner can’t fulfill. I’m acutely aware of this right now, but don’t have any way to reassure her that both Doc and Ranger have needs that I can’t fulfill, that she is much more capable of providing for. There are times I get a little twinge when I think about how I’m not perfect, how I can’t be everything for someone. Well, sure! Ranger isn’t everything for me, and neither is Doc. But together, they complement each other fabulously. Each has an important role to play in my life, and neither is expendable. Tootles and I are the same for each man.

One of the things that is currently a concern for me, and while I don’t wish to speak out of turn, I believe it’s a concern for everyone - is fairness. It’s hard to be fair when everyone has a different view of what would be fair for them. I sometimes feel that in my quest to have others get their time in and needs fulfilled, I miss out and end up offering an option that isn’t exactly fair to me. I present the idea, knowing it won’t be what I need, knowing it won’t be enough, because something is better than nothing. It’s a hell of a compromise - I know this because not only do I not feel like I’m getting enough to satisfy myself, but I feel guilty because I worry that others think I’m getting too much.

There’s a difference between being equal and being fair, and that difference is important. The problem for me lies in making sure that everyone is being treated fairly. Everyone. Including me. It’s easier to make things fair for everyone but me, but then it’s not really fair, is it? There’s my real issue underlying all of the speed bumps right now. Fairness for all, not just three. That’s what occupies my mind when I retreat from the world, deep in thought. That’s what I have to work on, my burden, my chore. And that’s what has all the potential to drive me batshit insane.

I’m a little frustrated.

I can totally understand that most women disagree with one or more body parts. I really can. I’m sick and tired, though, of women who have practically perfect bodies blog about how unattractive they are. The only thing unattractive about you when you do that is your personality. Why do you think I try so damn hard not to complain about my figure?

I am a big girl. I weigh over 200 pounds. According to those stupid calculators that are full of shit and nonsense, I have a BMI of 31. That’s obese. But you know something? I look awfully good for being obese. I have a pretty well defined waist, forearms, calves, ankles… I have flappy arm skin, but even that is lessening as I get back into playing cello regularly. I can look at older pictures of myself and more recent ones, and be happy with what I see in the mirror. I’m not always a big fan of my body, and there are plenty things I would change given a ton of money and no qualms about plastic surgery. BUT! I am a beautiful, sexy woman. Despite what some people believe, I AM height/weight proportionate with one or two extra curves. My belly has a flap - well, of course it does! I’ve had two big boys! My boobs sag, but they’re 36Gs and anything that big that’s gone through nursing those two big boys is bound to be a little floppy.

What I’m saying is this: as long as you’re happy with yourself, you’re a hell of a lot more attractive than the people that whine about having a body people drool over. While I don’t always find myself hot, or sexy, or even mildly attractive, I am working hard on being HAPPY with myself and focusing on the journey of continued improvement instead of dwelling on minor flaws. So there.

I really am a Sweltering Celt today. It’s hot, I’m sweaty, this house doesn’t have working A/C (hasn’t for years) and there isn’t a lick of breeze to provide relief.

Why is it, then, that I’m still in the mood for an activity that raises my body temperature? Hmmm??? It can’t be that the math homework is making me horny. That’s sick, wrong, and plain abnormal. For me, at least. I’m sure there IS someone out there with a mathematical fetish, and that’s awesome. I’m wearing a shirt right now that states 2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2. Does that turn you on? Off?

All of my classes but math are finished for the term. I’m looking forward to two weeks of only one class, then almost an entire month of nothing at ALL! My mother is already starting to list all the projects she wants to get done. I’m dreading it. She always finds crap to do - despite the fact that I told her more than six months ago that I don’t want to overload on projects this summer. I think I’ll do what I can stand to do and put my foot down when I’ve had enough. After all, I have kids to take care of, a boyfriend that deserves some of my time, and a husband who deserves my time as well. Not only that, but we’ll be adjusting to an entirely new work schedule with Ranger.

Oh, wait… I know why I’m horny! Saturday is tomorrow!

But… but… what’s Saturday got to do with it, you may ask? EVERYTHING. Picture a swing stand with lots of places to tie things, yards and yards of rope (Doc, I think you should run to the hardware store though, just in case. Want me to go with you?), two excited and willing females, plenty of rope bondage tutorials, lots of sex toys, a couple of freshly made spreader bars… and a camera or three.

Yep, this weekend has oh so very much potential to be VERY GOOD to us. And who knows, you may even get treated to some of the photos for Half Nekkid Thursday.

On a side note, Doc may well be contributing here on occasion. He’s articulate and intelligent, so you’ll have a nice break from my disjointed ramblings!

You’re spoiled this week. I recently did a painful shoot of myself in a desperate dash to get pictures to include in my final portfolio for photography class. It is NOT easy to use that camera for self photography without a tripod or using the self timer.

Still, this shot made it into my final portfolio. It’s not perfect, but the more I look at it the more I like it.

If you care about that sort of thing, it’s done with two layers - the top grayscale layer is somewhere around 50% opaque and the ring is full color (duh). I like it.

HE GOT THE JOB!!!
HE GOT THE JOB!!!
HE GOT THE JOB!!!
HE GOT THE JOB!!!
HE GOT THE JOB!!!

Yep, color me excited. Of course, now three of our quad work in the same building. I have yet to have what I need to be able to apply for my dream job there. The crazy thing is that no one really has THAT much to do with each other. Thank goodness for that!

I’m wondering details that it’s not likely even he will know already. What shift(s) will he get? What will his hours be like? Will he need to stay up there a few nights a week? What pay scale are they going to offer him to start?

They called less than three hours after his interview ended. Yeah. Go Ranger. I’m proud of my man.

I really enjoy good days. Days where everything seems to be going well, when you woke up on the right side of the bed and it wasn’t a chore to get out of bed.

This morning began with a couple of kids jumping on their parents in bed, snuggling and tickling and just being cute. It was a good start to the day.

Ranger headed off for his interview after a wonderful breakfast of eggs-in-holes (I don’t know what everyone else calls them, but they’re pieces of bread buttered and the middles cut out, then an egg cracked and fried into the hole) and we were all in a pretty good mood.

I got started on my last weekly quiz for one of my online courses and managed to finish it by noon. Yes, this is an achievement in this class. My average time before this quiz was about 4-4.5 hours. I still have the final project that I’ll likely get started on soon just to make some headway, but I don’t expect it to take horribly long. Math homework is going to wait until tomorrow. I’m DONE with photography.

The best part? In a matter of hours, I’ll be wrapped in Doc’s arms for date night. I brought up the option of going out into the nearby field to watch the Perseid meteor shower, but I think he’s wanting to give me his full attention. I’m not going to complain.

I’m also looking forward to this weekend. The plan right now is to do a lot of tying Ang and Tootles up/together with rope and taking lots of pictures. I’m good with that. I’m extra good with that. I can’t WAIT!

Yeah, I like good days.

It’s finals week for summer term. Well, for 2/3rds of my courses.

This means that not only am I frazzled and stressed, but my libido is essentially gone - significantly suppressed in some cases. I’ve got a project I haven’t started to complete by Thursday evening, a portfolio of photography to have completed and ready to go by 4 PM, a flash drive to find to take to photography class because it’s got all my in-class work on it, a final quiz to take by tomorrow night, and even then there’s still math homework to do by Sunday. Lucky me, taking a math class that will go until the end of the month rather than the end of this week! Oh, and I have rehearsal tonight until after 9PM, so that’ll cut down on homework time.

Still, when you ignore the school stress, life isn’t so bad. Ranger’s got a job interview on Wednesday, for a part time job but one that actually pays for the amount of time he’s there working. I’m madly in love with a couple of guys that love and support me through all this school. I have a date night to look forward to on Wednesday evening. Of course, that means I’ve got to get my shit together with homework, but hey - it’ll be the perfect breather from all this stress! Doc and Tootles just reposted their profile and I updated Ranger’s and mine. We’re putting together a local meet ‘n’ greet, hopefully at the end of the month, to get a bunch of couples together. Things seem to be looking up, despite the attitude of my mother and children (especially toward each other) and the doomed feeling I get when looking at my stack of schoolwork.

I wouldn’t be able to do any of this without the love and support of Ranger, Doc, and Tootles. They truly are the best family a girl could hope for, and I love them dearly for it.

The mere thought of him drives me to distraction. Even as cranky as I am today, the thought of his smile allows the merest flutter of a smile to cross my face. Even as tired as I am, the memory of our times together increases the pace of my heart and mind. Even as badly as I want to close my eyes and ignore the world for a few hours, the idea of his arms around me buoys me up and keeps me going for just a few more minutes.

What a welcome distraction.

I just read an interesting post on a forum, and decided to latch on to it, since I’ve had similar thoughts lately.

Is there such thing as proper etiquette at swinger/play parties? The question that sparked this post dealt more specifically with different etiquette when going as a couple or when going as an individual. What a fabulous question. The quick and easy answer is no, but that comes nowhere near covering the individual tastes and nuances of “etiquette” in a swinging situation.

Each couple has their own rules for playing, and parties are no different. The rules may change for a given couple from situation to situation - one of the difficult and beautiful things about swinging and polyamory is the ability to accept and adapt to different situations, all while communicating openly and honestly.

I haven’t been to any play parties, so I can’t say anything except what I believe would fit me. In a group party situation, I would much prefer to go with someone than alone, for several reasons. If I’m going with someone, I can be reassured that no matter what, they will be going home with me at the end of the night. If I were to go alone, and didn’t manage to hook up with anyone, I’d leave unsatisfied and with crippled self esteem. Going with someone is safer.

I worry about attending parties, for a great many reasons. Much of my worry is unreasonable, stemming from my own insecurities. I worry about getting left out, being considered unattractive, or being something someone settles for because everyone else is taken. Sure, it’s unreasonable, and if I do get the chance to go to a party I’d suppress those concerns and, I’m sure, enjoy myself. Without a partner to attend with, I doubt I would go at all.

There may be rules for etiquette at specific parties - house rules, as it may be, that dictate how something works. I think it’s more important, however, that before a party even starts those attending are aware of the other couples’ or singles’ preferences and boundaries. I don’t even know if that’s possible or reasonable, but ideally that would work for me.

So what do you expect from a play party? Do you think there are any rules of etiquette that should be followed, no matter what? Or should it always be a free-for-all? Do you have any worries and concerns when you think about a play party? How do you deal with them?